I’m sorry. It was my anxiety.

He didn’t know when he entered into this, so it wasn’t really his fault. I don’t blame him for how he reacted. He never knew how I laid awake at night, having third party conversations that never ended sometimes until the sun came up, listening to all the noises of the night, coming up with scenarios of events that may never occur.

He didn’t know when he entered into this, that he was getting a 2 for one deal, & maybe I should’ve said something sooner. Maybe I should’ve said something before the insecurities started to bleed on his shirt with my tears about things that I made up in my head and overactive text messages about inquiries that were overwhelming…for anybody “normal.”

The fears took over. Fears of things that MIGHT’VE happened, but didn’t yet, worries over a future that didn’t seem that bright.

He couldn’t hear the screaming matches in my head.

He couldn’t hear the cries of my frustrations that I had towards myself cause it was hard to verbally articulate what the issue really was.

How I’m always saying sorry and I’m sorry for saying sorry and I don’t know how to stop being apologetic…I apologize again.

I’m sorry, it was my anxiety. We have been getting to know each other but sometimes I’m embarrassed to introduce her to other people because folks treat her funny. I apologize for how my anxiety probably looks to you, I have tried to make her prettier, I have tried to make her smarter, more cool, less dramatic, less….her.

Less…me.

He didn’t know that we take his silence as rejection, and the clamminess of my hands and sweat on my forehead is from the heat boiling inside of me from anticipation of his next words.

And how neither of us could’ve predicted his next ones but we saw it coming eventually because that’s just what we are used to. Us, being left. Together.

So, I couldn’t blame him when he walked away, when he got tired of the fights that were caused by her. He didn’t know that being with me would automatically make him a polygamist.

Cause, I’m stuck with her, but…he doesn’t have to be.

#anxiety