New year, same me: Self Love. A process.

I was stuck.

Between who I wanted to be and who I knew I could be. This manifested itself as self talk conversations and even mental arguments, scrolling on social media and watching youtube videos on “self help” and “self improvement”, and shaming myself for things like my lack of productivity, my body, my life. Due to things that I was seeing and hearing and goals that I hadn’t met yet. I was talking so bad to myself at times and I think we honestly all do it at times. Looking at high school pictures and grieving our old selves and trying to become that, making our OLD SELVES a NEW goal. “If I just lose 60 pounds I will be so fine!” As if the person we had grown to be was THAT unattractive. Shaming ourself for body changes that happen with age that we just were not ready for. Then, getting upset when life happens and we can’t reach that goal and letting that overtake our minds and leading to sometimes a depression.

I was tired.

As a social worker I meet with my clients about their goals. I have a young girl who was battling issues surrounding self esteem and her weight and depression, so we decided to walk and talk at least once a week together. I let her know, that this would also benefit me as well. She disclosed to me that back in the day, she was afraid to talk to girls “that look like me.” I was confused about this. Me? The same person who struggles with the same issues she just confided in me that she had? Me?? The same person who was giving advice I more than likely have forgotten to take myself?

That day I woke up.

And realized that I needed to love me, as I am today, in this form. That I need to grieve my old self and learn to let the past be the past. To put in work to make my current self better, and accept change as it comes, IF it comes. But, to be ok if it doesn’t come or isn’t drastic. To set attainable goals, but not beat myself up if I don’t exactly meet them. Because, we really never know who is watching us, who is inspired by us, and sometimes, even those who may be a little intimidated by us or insecure around us…like we sometimes may be when we see somebody beautiful online. Those people that we influence, and our character and ways can either encourage and empower, or defeat.

I dealt with skin issues my whole life and was really embarrassed by them until one day my friend told me my skin was “perfect.” I said, “perfect??? Girl where you don’t see all these dark marks and acne?” She looked at me and said, “No I really can’t…sometimes we are our own worst critics and make ourselves feel worst when nobody else sees what we are looking at.”

I decided I needed to stop getting on the scale, because honestly, poop is heavy, muscle is heavy and that number does not define me. My health is fine outside the occasional depression and anxiety that I am managing and I will continue to do what I need to ensure it stays that way by what I am consuming, being active and seeing my Dr. as needed. Sure my boob size has tripled and my thighs are a little heavier but learning to understand that as you get older, your body changes, your metabolism slows down, and to not let my vanity take control.

Take those full body pictures.

Also, Back rolls are normal.

I learned to stop shaming myself when I looked in the mirror and love my reflection. I walked around naked and danced a little bit and laughed at myself. I loved on me. I stopped comparing myself to people on social media who seemed to have it all together, where social media is alot of smoke and mirrors, nobody’s life is that perfect. At. All.

Self love is an everyday process. Some days it is really hard to do, and it’s a commitment.